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the illusion that it has occurred.”

This is a favorite quote of a friend of mine. This week I must have had ten occasions to say it to myself or others. Why is it that we think we have made ourselves clear, or we think the other person/s have heard and understood, and that simply isn’t the case? Here is my hypothesis.

Much of the time we operate in ADD (attention deficit disorder) mode. If you look at the totality of your attention on the speaker and her message as a pie chart, it’s easy to graphically portray how your concentration is split most of the time. It might look something like this.

When we’re really busy or in overwhelm, there could be many more pieces in the pie, all just slivers of concentration.

It appears here that during this conversation, the speaker gets about 55-60% of the listener’s attention. That doesn’t sound too bad, right? But here’s what actually happens. As the speaker is talking, the listener’s mind jumps to the meeting with the boss or the sick child for ten, twenty, or even thirty seconds. In that time, the listener blanks out the words and meaning being transmitted. Most listeners do not say, “Sorry, my mind wandered, can you please repeat what you just said”. Instead, we nod, smile or give some signal that we are listening. We actually pretend to listen. In that moment, the illusion referred to in the quote above occurs.

What’s the antidote? It’s obvious, just not easy. We can all develop the habit/discipline of increasing our attention on the speaker and the meaning of their words by truly focusing. By paying attention the message, body language, facial expressions, pauses, tone of voice and what’s not being said, we can ramp up our concentration. When other thoughts come in and our mind wanders, we simply re-focus on what the person is saying and what they are trying to convey. And if we do wander, the remedy is there. Be truthful and say, “I’m sorry, I missed that last piece, could you repeat it please?”

Reflection questions:

1. What is your normal percentage of attention on your speaker and their meaning? What happens to it when you are stressed, tired, or in overwhelm?
2. How many times a day do you pretend to listen?
3. What is the one thing you could do this week to increase your level of attention on your speaker and the message he is trying to convey?

This entry was posted on Monday, April 20th, 2009 at 8:52 PM and is filed under Announcements. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.