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I want to tell you a story about a miracle—a miracle of acting NOW to tell a loved one how much you care. During my women’s retreat two weeks ago, a woman who is together and bright and successful realized that one of the most important things missing from her life was her relationship with her sister. We talked for a while about what had caused them to drift apart and then envisioned a re-connection with meaning and depth.

This woman, we’ll call her Susan, had been busy raising her two boys (who are now grown), focusing on her career, and going about life as we all do, getting through each week intact. What she hadn’t done is to take a moment to step back and really look at her whole life and take stock of what was missing. Given time for reflection and the space to really check in with herself, Susan realized how deeply she cared about her sister and having a relationship her. So I challenged her to call her sister that moment and reach out. Her response was, “Now? You mean right now?” “Yes, right now”, was my reply.

Susan called her sister and had a conversation with her, sharing her hopes that they could re-establish the closeness that they had experienced in the past and they set a date in the near future to spend a day together. A sense of relief and hope was immediately apparent in Susan. It was obvious that she felt personally powerful for taking a stand for what is important to her.

Five days later Susan called me early in the morning with tears in her voice to tell me that her sister, who was fifty-nine, had died during the night of a massive heart attack. She had been at the hospital all night and was in shock and overwhelmed by grief, but Susan was also feeling a profound sense of gratitude that she had reached out before it was too late. They never got to spend their day together, but they had re-connected and that’s a memory Susan will always have. And she will not have the regret of wishing she had taken action and didn’t do it.

If you have someone whom you care about and with whom you have lost a meaningful relationship, don’t wait. Pick up the phone right now, yes, right now! Tell them you miss them and that you want to find a way to be close again. If they don’t respond positively, at least you will have done your part to reconnect and rebuild and you can live regret-free.

Reflection Questions:
1. Who do you care about, but have lost a meaningful connection with?
2. What is preventing you from reaching out?
3. If you knew that person was going to die tomorrow, would it give you the impetus to call?

This may sound macabre, but now imagine being at that person’s funeral, never having made the effort to reconnect. How do you feel? Don’t waste another minute. Take action now.
It took courage for Susan to pick up the phone and call her sister, but the miracle is that she did.

the illusion that it has occurred.”

This is a favorite quote of a friend of mine. This week I must have had ten occasions to say it to myself or others. Why is it that we think we have made ourselves clear, or we think the other person/s have heard and understood, and that simply isn’t the case? Here is my hypothesis.

Much of the time we operate in ADD (attention deficit disorder) mode. If you look at the totality of your attention on the speaker and her message as a pie chart, it’s easy to graphically portray how your concentration is split most of the time. It might look something like this.

When we’re really busy or in overwhelm, there could be many more pieces in the pie, all just slivers of concentration.

It appears here that during this conversation, the speaker gets about 55-60% of the listener’s attention. That doesn’t sound too bad, right? But here’s what actually happens. As the speaker is talking, the listener’s mind jumps to the meeting with the boss or the sick child for ten, twenty, or even thirty seconds. In that time, the listener blanks out the words and meaning being transmitted. Most listeners do not say, “Sorry, my mind wandered, can you please repeat what you just said”. Instead, we nod, smile or give some signal that we are listening. We actually pretend to listen. In that moment, the illusion referred to in the quote above occurs.

What’s the antidote? It’s obvious, just not easy. We can all develop the habit/discipline of increasing our attention on the speaker and the meaning of their words by truly focusing. By paying attention the message, body language, facial expressions, pauses, tone of voice and what’s not being said, we can ramp up our concentration. When other thoughts come in and our mind wanders, we simply re-focus on what the person is saying and what they are trying to convey. And if we do wander, the remedy is there. Be truthful and say, “I’m sorry, I missed that last piece, could you repeat it please?”

Reflection questions:

1. What is your normal percentage of attention on your speaker and their meaning? What happens to it when you are stressed, tired, or in overwhelm?
2. How many times a day do you pretend to listen?
3. What is the one thing you could do this week to increase your level of attention on your speaker and the message he is trying to convey?

Do you know someone who is just lucky? She is lucky in love, always in the right place at the right time for business opportunities, and able to find the perfect parking spot right up front. And conversely, there’s the friend we all have who has the ubiquitous black cloud that follows him everywhere. He never seems to get a break—his car gets broken into, he has one bad relationship after another, and he falls and breaks a leg just crossing the street.

Do you believe that we make our own luck? Actually research shows that only a small percentage of what happens to us in life is random. Richard Wiseman, Ph. D., who has been studying the luck phenomenon for at least ten years, says that 90% of what happens to us is determined by the way we think and act (“How to Get Lucky”, Ben Sherwood, Oprah Magazine, February 2009). If we expect positive outcomes, opportunities, and chance encounters they are more likely to happen. If we are open and relaxed, we are more likely to strike up a conversation with the stranger on a plane who may lead to a new connection or opportunity. If we are hunkered down, living in caution and worry, we won’t even notice openings that could change our circumstances for the better.

Here’s a luck experiment. For a week plan/expect to be lucky each day. Imagine the events of your day unfolding in ways that would be described as lucky. Look and listen for synchronicity in all endeavors that could be enriched by a serendipitous connection or chance encounter. Slow your pace down just a little and allow your intuitive hunches to talk to you. Act as if you are lucky.—yes, fake it ‘til you make it!

Here are some questions to ponder.

1. Where are you on the luck scale? (0 = It’s black-cloudsville, 10 = Amazing positive coincidences and unexpected opportunities show up all the time)
2. What is your level of willingness to experiment with increasing the luck factor in your life? (1-10)
3. If it’s over a 5, what will you do for the next ten days to increase your chances of being lucky? (If you’re below a 5, don’t bother, you’ll only prove to yourself that you’re as unlucky as you thought).

What do you have to lose? In these times we could all stand a lucky break!

Success Beyond Measure has now officially launched after a 5 year gestation period. This initiative is meant to be a way to create collective wisdom for all interested fellow travelers who are seeking real, meaningful, lasting success… not the kind described in most of the 357,000,000 entries that appear when you Google the word “success”.

I want to help you create the kind of success that will ensure that no matter what this crazy economy does, and no matter what happens to your job, you will have a solid foundation on which to stand. You will know what is important to you in good times and in bad, and how to stay focused and grounded.

I hope you will comment on my blog entries and share your stories of struggle and triumph. It is easy to go to that icky, murky, scary place of fear in these times. So let’s support each other in fiercely claiming our own personal power. Let’s share ideas, encouragement, questions, and hope.

Let’s create the Success Beyond Measure tribe.

I’ll be back with you soon!

Rebecca